I'm Not Alright

"I'm Not Alright"

By Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

[Chorus:]
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.
 
'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.
 
[Chorus]
And I'll move
And I'll move
And I'll move 
Closer to you [x3]
 
And I'll move
And I'll move
And I'll move
 
[Chorus:]
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through leads me to you
Leads me to you
 
I'm not alright
I'm not alright
I'm not alright
 
That's why I need you.

Breathing.

I found that I go through blogging/journaling spurts. I have moments in life where I feel like I need to document everything in my life. And then I go through other periods where I’m not even bothered to make any mark of my existence.

I feel like I have bipolar moments. Where I’m manic for a couple of days or weeks and then I’m so tired and drained where even breathing seems like too much effort.

Some days I feel like lying in bed for the rest of eternity and never move ever again. Other days, I have urges to pack my belongings and jump into Thomas and run away. Just leave everything I know, everyone I know and break all ties of who I am. I wish I could just drive into non-existence.

Is it wrong that both scenarios end with me just being? No feeling. No progression. Just an absent mind with no power of thought, in an unresponsive vessel of skin.

I’m at the point where my thoughts don’t scare me anymore. Is that bad? Is it wrong that I think of how I could die? I cultivate the ideas of getting into a car crash, getting a deadly illness of some sort, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Anyway to just “be.”

Father's Day

The last few weeks, I’ve been searching the Interwebs trying to find a cute and simple DIY Father’s Day Present. One of the first places I went to, to get inspired, was Pinterest – where I found this beauty.

I had never seen a candy bar poster/card before. As soon as I saw it, I knew this was the gift for me! Mr Grumpy doesn’t really eat candy, but he loves sweet breads and cookies. So I knew I wanted to tweak the idea and use cakes, cookies, pies and crackers instead of candy. I did throw some candy in, because I needed a few extra treats to fill my blank board.

I really love the way this turned out. I had no idea what I was going to draw, let alone what I was going to say! Ha ha, I basically went to the store and grabbed whatever looked good to me. I knew I wanted Chips-Ahoy & Animal cookies and an apple pie; but everything else just fell into place while I shopped. I work a lot like that actually. I just get an idea and run as fast as I can with it. Things work out for the most part… lol.

The first day of the project I went to the store and bought everything I needed, at the time I only bought one board. The next day when I put everything together I realized I needed another, so I had to go back to the store and get another one. Once I had all my treats, I created a story and then I typed it out on a Word Doc and printed it out in Landscape Mode at a 50 size font.

Dear poppy,
People say if life gives you lemons to make lemonade. But you were berry lucky and got animals instead! I become your pet goldfish. Stuck in a protective bowl and only allowed to swim in certain waters. To everyone else you're a lion but to me you're my teddy bear. As a kid, I had you wrapped around my finger- like a ring! I always got what I wanted like ice cream and popcorn! When I got older your protective eyes become like a chip on my shoulder and I know I must have driven you bananas. In time like all fish I have learned to swim in my own waters and do my own thing. But I will never swim too far away from you. You’ll always be the apple of my eye and my rock to stand on. Cheerio, Your runt Stella

The next day of the project I cut out all my words and I organized them on the board with the appropriate treats. The reason I typed my words out and then pasted them on is because I don’t like my handwriting and I thought this would look more clean and crisp. Once I organized the first board to the way I liked I then glued or taped everything down. And then I drew all the little pictures on. I used sharpies and I Goolged most of what I wanted for easy how-to’s of how to draw them.

The next day after that I had my second board and I just repeated what I did for the first board. After both the boards were done, I drew little arrows to direct you where to read next. I would recommend, if you know you’re going to use two boards to tape them together before you start to tape/glue your treats. It made it a little difficult to tape the back of the boards together and they weren’t very sturdy. I know if I hadn’t had the treats already in place I could have made this process easier. 

I really love the way this came out and Mr Grumpy really liked it too.